Dear, Self.                                           3.17.23

  For the first time I feel utterly scared. In fear. I’m not talking about the fear of darkness, the sounds that creek at night, the monsters that fill the gloomy rooms, or even the damage that could be done by bare man hands.

I feel that I’m afraid of commitment…

I’m the kind of person that falls in love fast and loves hard with almost every bit of passion and warmth in my body. I want to do that for him. I guess we can consider him the new guy although he doesn’t feel that much new.

It’s been about a week and only 3 days and we’ve bonded a lot. Right now I guess we consider ourselves in the talking stage. But this stage is quite new to me considering I’ve never been in position for this stage. Almost every guy I’ve ever dated was like over night or at least 3 days at max.

I can say I’m a very fond girl I think I have a great personality. But with something or someone so fond there always comes a bitterness. A side that isn’t so indifferent anymore, something that majority can’t relate to.

Now when I say I’m afraid of commitment. I don’t mean that I’m not willing to settle down or to be with him.Because lord knows I’m with every inch to centimeter with this boy. But the part I fear is if I continue to be like this…

Be loving Patient Understanding Defending Claiming Opening

Will it all be for a good cause? Will I exceed in my feelings for love?Will I finally feel good about myself rather than the constant pacing loneliness?

I know what this is. It’s overthinking. But is that really my fault when I’ve been used and mistreated way beyond others and even my own self’s eyes.

I don’t want to be like my first love. What we had was something special. It was golden once upon a time. But in the end it didn’t last and for him it might still be there, except for me it faded along with the journey we call growing up.

It was all just kids love. A broken version of me that never felt love being healed. And ever since then love hasn’t felt the same.

Not even friendships because you can’t be friends with someone or anybody you use to be in love with.

There’s glasses. It didn’t happen overnight it took a few days but when he helped with that one situation it changed my whole perspective.

I felt like he cared, like I could trust him with my mind and soon after body. But I guess for him love wasn’t really on his radar. I could tell that he didn’t really care for love.

I couldn’t really say his love wasn’t there, but the moment I thought we were solid it all came crashing down.

I was strung for a couple weeks till the words were said dead to my face and I completely fell apart all over again.

And oh how much I loved him to where even though he made me feel sad and vulnerable for the holidays.

I had still wanted him back.

Then there’s art boy who I knew we weren’t ever going to be something more. I honestly didn’t want it to be. But he made me feel just as i said in the messages.

But the ones that came before and made me feel neglected isn’t even the full part that bothers.

In general for me and him it’s the people that surround us as back ground characters  but somehow they end up making it to the front.

I want this to work. I want it to be so worth it that even if we don’t last we could never say it was all for nothing.

I want him to want me.

But not in a way that makes me feel unsure or question it all. Not in a way that it’s only heaven when it’s sexual pleasure but hell when we’re not on that mode

But the problem with that is, it might not even be him.

It might just be me…

12.23.20

In a way I was wrong. It’s not me or him. It’s all of them getting in my head.

A few days ago I questioned myself. I felt unsure and unworthy. It felt as solitude was my state of mind. Like a zombie that would come alive but then die once again to all the rushing thoughts.

I figured out the cause to my problem though. And a solution that tips off my tongue.

That deep distrustful feeling wasn’t just me. It was everything, he explained to me that he wants me but he’s healing and that comes with a few set backs with his connection skills and he apologized for it.

Hearing him and understanding what he’s saying it felt good because it’s actually something I needed And wanted to hear.

And It honestly wasn’t his fault. What I realized is that it isn’t him that scares me.

It’s the people like E and Dee that does. Because their opinions along with Ny’s make the most change to me.

She and him have honestly been some shit friends. I didn’t expect more from her though.

It’s just the way she constantly and constantly badgers it out like this isn’t my feelings she’s talking out.

How That sweet tenderness will go from fond to callous. That would tear down anyone in site.

After I realized that I officially cut Dee off.

It was said once before that, “You can’t be friends with someone you once were in love with.”

Except this time I listened.

I told him a lot. And not one time did I feel bad to be honest. He didn’t take it much well.

But again I don’t really care. I found out today that he dates one of my friends.

It doesn’t much bother me. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t peep the dickhead he was becoming.

I won’t tell her that though because it wouldn’t be me telling her as a friend.

It’d be out of anger and pettiness towards the false claims he made about the guy that I like.

I just feel it’s very hypocritical of him to feel the need to open his mouth about my relationship.

When he was the first to Claim someone was mad because he was happy that someone being me.

In that pathetic relationship that fell apart all but like 4 days later. Because she thought and saw for herself that he’s way to friendly.

I don’t hate Dee but there’s something inside me that just can’t stand him anymore.

The problem with it is I don’t fully understand why. And that’s why we shouldn’t be friends